


I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside.

by redlipsredledger



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, The Force Awakens - Fandom
Genre: Brainwashing sucks, Gen, Kylo killed his dad, Leia is heartbroken, Rey and Ben have an argument, Songfic, Sort Of, The dark side doesn't permit redemption, ben needs a hug, heavily music inspired, slightly AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 06:16:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21031595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: I'm paralysed, where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside, I'm paralysed.When did I become so cold? When did I become ashamed?Where's the person that I know? They must have left, they must have left with all my faith.I'm paralysed, where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should; I'm paralysed.Where is the real me? I'm lost and it kills me inside.Song: Paralysed by NFOh, Ben. What have you done?





	I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside.

He looked at the glowing red light; he turned it over and over in his hand as he assessed the contours; it was almost like he expected them to change but it didn't. It remained as it always had, unchanged and unstained with the blood of the many who'd met their end at its burn and Kylo Ren faltered; the cracks appearing in the facade that he used to hide from the world were becoming gaping holes. He stepped forward just a little; his brown eyes fell toward the darkness below him. The abyss that had swallowed his father whole not moments before and he hadn't even realised that his other hand held out into it like a child reaching for a hand that would never come again. Ben fell back.

Kylo Ren stood at the edge. Ben Solo fell back. He dropped to his knees, allowing the glowing blade to cascade to the floor and he didn't care if it fell down there, too. He didn't care if he did, either. _Oh, Ben. What have you done? _He shook his head; he could see it in his mind and it replayed. It replayed over and over again. Stupid old fool; he'd been asking for death believing that he could be saved and redeemed. He'd been nothing but a fool, his father. Han Solo had met a deserved ending for his idiocy.

No.

No. 

That isn't you, boy. Snoke. His hands moved to his head and he let out a blood curdling scream. Loud, pain filled and echoing around, bouncing off of the walls like he was screaming back at himself. **"Why." **He questioned. He questioned through a broken, strained tone. **"Why didn't you just leave, you stupid old fool." **He whispered into nothing; he could feel the hot slick of tears burn down his cheeks. It'd been decades since he'd felt what it was like to cry. He was filled to the brim with pain, a pain that chased away anger, a pain that chased away hatred and left broken in its place; who was he now? His mother would never forgive him for this; this would be the edge that'd tip the only other person in the galaxy that cared for him toward believing that he couldn't be saved. He could see her; he could always see her. She was connected to The Force just like he was. He could feel her out there. He knew her heart would break and he'd feel every agonising second of it.

And he deserved to, too. He deserved to feel that pain. He deserved to be burned by it; he deserved to be consumed by it. 

He deserved to be brought to his knees.

He heard footsteps; he reached for his weapon out of pure instinct. 

_Where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should; I'm paralysed. Where is the real me, I'm lost and it kills me inside._

It wasn't there. It wasn't with him. Movement ceased around them both; he felt her drop back and her hand moved to her chest. Inside, she repeated the word _No _like a mantra, hoping it might save her from the crushing despair that flooded through her body. She felt it. She felt his life leave him, she felt him die. She felt his last moments and it felt like she was dying, too. Leia Organa lost what little strength she had in that moment internally, but externally she remained more composed than anyone would have thought she would. Ben felt it; he felt the rush of agony through his mother. He felt the fear and the loss, the anguish, the pure pain that rushed through her veins at the definitive loss of her soulmate; he'd taken away the man she loved and now he was sure she'd hate him forever. Leia. Leia had always deserved better. 

No one could understand how it felt to physically  _ feel  _ someone’s final moments; the momentary fear that he felt when he realised he was going to die, the despair and agony he felt at never being able to see her again, the torment that came along with knowing that if she’d been there maybe - just maybe - she’d have been able to save him. She felt his final breaths, his heart slowing, the stubborn old soul of his slipping away into the empty, vast nothingness of the galaxy and she reached out without thinking about it, hoping to catch the wisps and embers of the man she loved as she felt herself losing him forever.

She couldn't breathe. Tears stung her eyes. She could feel her heart beating in defiance and she begged it to stop. Stop. Quiet. Still. Don't carry me forward. In that moment, she wanted nothing more than the same oblivion he'd forced her beloved into because there was nothing left for her; in that moment she truly believed with all that she was that there was nothing left for her. She flashed through it all; every smile, every argument, every kiss, every tender stolen moment, quick witted joke, sarcastic quip. Every sleepless night where she'd lay awake in his arms tormented by what had happened with her father and her brother, tormented by all of the loss that she'd experienced over her tormented lifetime and Han Solo had been the one person that had ever loved Leia for Leia. Not for the Princess, not for the General she'd become but for her: For Leia Organa. For Leia Skywalker.

For Leia Solo.

**"No." **She spoke the word in a whisper. She closed her eyes and her tears chased one another down aged cheeks. **"Please, no." **Her heart beat on. Defiant. She hit against her chest and she let sobs rock her body. She wanted to withdraw into herself; she wanted it all to go away but she heard them bustle around her and she heard footsteps move toward her. Poe. He placed a hand on her shoulder and she shook her head, asking him to move wordlessly. Asking him to leave her. She didn't want anyone now; she wanted to feel the grief that consumed her.

She'd lost everything tonight. She never thought that she'd feel him slip away but tonight, she felt them both slip.

She felt her boy die, too.

_When did I lose myself? All the words that leave my tongue feel like they came from someone else._

**"No!" **The anguished word echoed in his mind. He heard it from Leia, he heard it from Rey... Rey had seen what he'd done; she'd seen the monster that lived inside of him. No one would fight for his redemption now. He reached for his weapon again and he lit the blade as he rose to his feet and turned to exit the chamber; the sound of his boots cascaded off of the walls almost as loud as his screams did. It was apt that he was wearing black; it was as dark as his soul was now. His eyes kept falling back to his hands like he expected to see his fathers blood there. 

** _"I'm being torn apart; I want to be free of this pain. I know what I need to do I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?"_ **

**_"Yes, anything."_**  
Love had cost Han Solo his life. Love had chased away the last vestiges of anything saving in his beloved boy and yet in his final moments, Han had reached for his boy; he could feel it. He was connected to his parents through the same Force that had corrupted him. Hans warmth fled his body quickly and Kylo felt his hand still pressed against his cheek and it burned. It burned.

It burned.

He wasn't free of anything. He wasn't free of the pain, all he'd done was give it more of a hold on him. He looked up; she'd been stood there moments before. He knew he had to stop her. It was his job; stopping her was all that he had left now and so, Kylo Ren kicked aside the mask of a monster and stood with its bare face to the world for once.

They weren't hard to find. **_Traitor!_**

The trooper deserved to die; he was a mere inconvenience. He didn't care about him; it was the girl. It was always about the girl. The fight with the trooper didn't last long but Rey had stopped him before he'd killed him. Tonight, it would seem his blade would claim no more blood. Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was his father. The pain burned through him like acid. Was this what it felt like to be human? She gave him more of a fight than the trooper had but the wounds he'd received paled in comparison to the agony he was already in. She was strong; she was connected with The Force like he was; it ran through her veins and though he had no idea who she was, their connection was palpable.

**"You killed him." **She spat as she held the burning blade to his chest; Kylo didn't flinch. Ben did. For just a moment his eyes flickered and if one weren't paying close enough attention they'd have missed it completely. **"He loved you and you killed him!" **Her words cut deeper and deeper; it was clear from the anguish in her voice that she'd never had a home or a family of her own. She was the lost little Orphan girl, the lost soul trapped in a world she just didn't understand. Just like he was. He wanted to hate her, he wanted her to hate him; it would make it easier. 

**"And I could kill you just as easily." **He replied coolly. She laughed. She stepped back and she laughed. 

**"Then do it, you coward." **He could scarcely believe she was challenging him after what she'd seen him do. **"I'm not a defenseless old man and I won't let you take my life as easily as you took his." **Han deserved better both from what she was saying about him and from the way that he'd died. He deserved better than to meet his end at the hand of the boy he felt like he could still save. **"I know you felt it, Ben. I know you felt it too; you felt how it broke your mother. Will you take the last of your humanity away and make her lose you, too? You still have a choice." **

A choice. What did she know?

His hands found his head again and Ben Solo screamed. And screamed. And screamed.

_ **I love you, son.** _

**"You're just as big a fool as he was."**


End file.
